Tag Archives: single dad

Hardest Lesson.

I’ve learned a lot of things being a single parent.

No matter how prepared you want to be leaving your home with a newborn/ toddler/youngster, you will never have everything you need.

Its OK to let the dishes sit till tomorrow. Just not till next week.

When it comes to bills, there’s 3 levels of payment options.

  1. Before due date.
  2. Past due date.
  3. Final notice.

Do not shop for groceries you wouldn’t be OK eating past the due date.

The floor will never be clean enough.

Always buy twice as much laundry detergent.

Silence is evil.

Accidents that include cuts/scrapes/bruises are called “boo-boo’s” till the age of 4 or 6. Afterwards they will be regarded as cuts, accidents, war scars (depending on the child).

There is a time and place for lies.

  • Lying to a 7 year old asking where babies come from is wrong.
  • Lying to a 2 year old that the Netflix is currently down because they want to watch that annoying cartoon for the 15th time is right.

Parenthood is bliss. Its all the other time that sucks.IMG070

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How the Grinch (consumerism) almost stole Xmas.

During the holidays, kids get spoiled, parents get drunk, relationships start, relationships end. Regardless your situation, parent or not a parent, the holiday season affects you in some way, shape or form. My point of view of course is as a parent. A dad of a 10 year old daughter. I totally get that my advice, rant, whatever is one sided. Its my view of my world. This is the scenery that I awake to every morning. Father, struggling new business owner with debt and other stresses. I try my hardest not to judge others. And that’s freaking hard sometimes. Jealousy and envy. those are hard feelings to ignore sometimes.

This is the first Christmas that I don’t have a tree up for the holiday. I know, its still early so something might change. But money wise, its been a tough past 2 months. Its all for a reason, I get that. But when I see my ex and her husband going out, spending on the kids. When I’m embarrassed to see my nephew’s or niece because I’ve come up short for their holiday gifts. When I can’t even plan a trip home since I cant afford the gas money. Its hard to keep a jolly view of yourself or the holiday. I mean lets face it. The holiday season is all about those ads. The specials going on everywhere. Its near impossible to avoid the constant reminders. So should I be upset, jealous or envious that they can afford it but I cant?

No.

Even thought its been a hard few months (and I totally get that I brought this on myself). I made the decision to avoid a low end position for what I really wanted. I get that, I accept that. I’m not mad at anyone, especially myself.

Everyday we make decisions that affect a time in the future. That maybe a few moment’s, to a few days, years, lifetimes away. I may complain to my brother that I cant afford a Xmas tree. I may vent to my friend Jeff about my inability to walk in to a store without feeling guilt. But this isn’t the reason for this time of year. And I’m not referring to the religious side of the season. I mean the goodness and warmness that this time of year brings. The real holiday season. Not the ads. Not the specials. Not the enormous expense of living the holiday that society now seems to lead by example. Its about making cheap sugar cookies with my daughter. Its about walking out and enjoying a snow covered morning. Its about feeling the genuine warmth from others feeling the wonderful spirit of giving.

Its about love. Plain and simple. Its about feeling the love that we all feel grow and grow during this holiday season.

So I’ll count my blessings and count my pennies.

I have family that I may not be next to thinking of me this holiday season. I have friends that mean it when they wish me a prosperous new year.

And best of all. I have a 10 year daughter that wants nothing more than to be with her family this holiday (that last line made me tear up).

Life’s good this season.

Even when your without the low interest credit card.

I realized something yesterday.

I realized something yesterday.

I’m a good dad but I suck at being an adult.

My credit sucks. My work history is spotty. I have no savings and I’m currently steps away from a total financial collapse. But my daughter’s healthy and we have enough food to keep her fed and supplied with school lunches. I have a beautiful roof over my head. And I’m thankful for the wonderful support from friends and family.

But let’s be honest, I’ve made some freaking horrible decisions.

But in my defense, being depressed sucks. I mean, the happy to sad, it’s freaking exhausting. Seriously. After a whole day of dealing with myself, I’m freaking tired. But I’m recognizing my own patterns. Recognizing my triggers. And that’s the hardest part. Being on the lookout for what has gotten me in trouble before. I do find it funny how you can go through your entire life living a certain way. Building routines that help you get passed certain situations. Learning those “self-taught tools”. And then just to find out that they were actually very unhealthy habits. They were actually triggers that lead me to unhealthy results.

Well fuck me. Now I know.

Yeah, so this whole being an adult is pretty hard.

You know, I don’t remember my dad ever telling me how to become a responsible adult. We never talked about relationships, credit scores or how to manage money. And that’s cool. I was in such a hurry as a kid to grow up that I probably wouldn’t have listened anyways. But I’m not going to make that same mistake with my mija.

I think I sometimes over explain things to her. And that may be my over compensating for what I didn’t experience as a kid. But the way I see it, if I’m not annoying her as a dad then I’m obviously doing something wrong.

So onward with this depression crap.

For the most part, life is good. Just got to keep reminding myself of that.

Hip Hop Seminar

A few weeks ago I had a moment with my daughter about music. Hip hop music actually.
She’s a fan of Pop. Not my cup of tea but that’s cool. We have a rule in my car; play what you want when it’s your turn to control the iPod.
Her choice comes on and it sounds like the standard Pop-ish track we just heard. Except that my daughter says that “she likes the hip hop beat of this song”. I was confused because I heard nothing that I would associate with Hip Hop.
Then it hit me. My daughter has never really heard Hip Hop.
The amount of guilt I felt for letting my daughter down was enormous. The shame for my lack of proper parenting was apparent on my face.
But I realized it’s not too late. There’s still time!
So I started to think of my childhood and what I used to listen to.
RUN-DMC, Black sheep, KidnPlay along with Ice Tee, King Tee and so many others. I was flooded with choices.
What should I choose? Biggie? Beastie Boys? What should I play for her?
This was a big moment. The moment that I introduced my 10 year old pre teen daughter to the world of the B-boys and B-girls.
I had YouTube up on my phone and I had no idea what to play.
So I hastily picked DAS EFX because I was quickly losing her attention and interest. I could tell she had already moved on and was wanting the discussion to end so she could get on to her next song of choice.
“Mija, this is Hip Hop”, I stated to her proudly.
Within 25 seconds she was covering her ears. “It sounds like rap and I don’t like rap!” she yelled.
And the moment passed.
I decided not to peruse it because I wanted to really think about what artist I wanted to introduce to her.
So that’s ok mija. Listen to your pop music. I’ll leave it alone. For now.
As a kid growing up in Los Angeles, music as huge for me.
Oldies Rancheras, Hip Hop, Metal, KROQ and New Wave. Disco was alive and well in the late 80’s-early 90’s. Not to mention Punk, Ska, Techno and House. My choices were endless and I loved it all.
Now a days it’s different. Our choices are huge, even more so. But it’s almost overwhelming at times. Along with our attention span, we’re spread everywhere.
So where do I start in introducing my daughter to this genre of music that influenced me the most as a kid?
I think what we’re going to need to do is take a little shopping trip out for a pair of kid sized Adidas, shell toed of course. And during the ride I’m going to go in to story mode about graffiti, dee-jaying and the culture that arose from beats, break, beat-boxing and breakdancing. Because for me, wearing a pair of old school, shell toed Adidas isn’t just for style or comfort. It paying respect to all those who came before me, laying down the Hip Hop foundation. Then maybe sometime down the line I’ll take her out to the rail yards one Saturday afternoon and we can witness some real street art.
Yeah, it’s not too late.

<a href=”https://youtu.be/1PU22-fsGA0?list=PL4ZxIp0fTuyUnRmFy4vFFs3sOUcTT5GAJ”></a&gt;

Sex and Dinner.

A few years ago I was entangled with a young lady. We both worked at the same place and after a week of flirting, she was at my house for dinner. We didn’t even wait till after dinner. The sex was wonderful. For the 5 hours afterwards we kissed, had sex, cuddles, ate and had sex again. The good bye took an hour of kissing in the front of my house. It was a good first date.
A few days passed and she called me while I was home. I have a daughter but she was with her mom at the time.
“Can I come over?”
“Of course”, I answered happily.
Afternoon sex is wonderful. Hurriedly I went through the living room, hallway and bedroom, cleaning, clearing and sorting anything that would kill the mood.
When she pulled up I was surprised to see that it was her and her 5 year old daughter.
Crap.
I wasn’t ready to meet her kid yet.

When your a single parent, dating can be dangerous. For the first year that I was a new single dad, I didn’t even date, have sex or even talk to women. I was so afraid to emotionally scar my kid with different people and faces. I mean, when you break up with someone and there’s kids involved, you break up with the kids too. So dating had become something I threaded on softly.

Rule 1. Never meet my kid within the first 10 dates. And that depends on allot of factors.
Rule 2. I don’t want to meet your kid any time before you meet mine.

I know for some people it does work and they feel differently about this and that’s great for them. For me, sorry, tooo soon.
I need to feel comfortable with you before I even imagine you meeting my daughter. And I don’t mean physically. Desire, lust, whatever you want to call it, it’s a feeling that’s different than being emotionally comfortable with someone. Feeling an attraction is enough for me to allow myself to get close with someone, to feel intimacy. But the other? Hell, I have friends that have never met my daughter all because I’m not ready for them to become that close.

So back to the scene;
She walked up my driveway with this little girl clinging on to her thigh.
Suddenly I felt all that last minute cleaning was a huge waste of time.
She was a good kid. But I however felt a little freaked out.
The following night she invited me over to her house. I had opened up to her about feeling a little nervous about meeting her daughter so soon. She said she could tell I wasn’t too comfortable. She said she was sorry for that and that and promised the next time it would be just us
I was excited again.
As I walked up towards her door I heard her daughter laughing out loud.
Fuck me, not again.
Her daughter’s dad flaked out on her so she had to stay home with mom for the weekend.
Well played sir. Cock blocking at its finest.
The night was odd and even more uncomfortable.
Here’s the next scene;
I was asked by the little girl if I could read her a story.
A stuttering, “sure” was my response.
So I sat on the bed next to her (her mom and her shared the bedroom).
Now, you may ask yourself,”why did you stay man?!”
Well simply because mom had given me hints through out the evening that I would still be rewarded for my patience and understanding.
“I can still do things to you on the couch. I’m very talented with my mouth.”
Need I say more?
“Ok”, I replied as I laid down next to her, getting ready to read A Cat in the Hat.
Half way through the first page mom decided to lay on top of me as I’m reading the book…. Yeah.
I was laying next to a little girl in a Disney nightgown, trying to read a children’s book, while starting to have an erection due to her mom laying on top of me, knowing damn well that mom could feel me throbbing. Do you see how this was all confusing?
I couldn’t take it. I mean, I’m a dog, as much as the next guy. But all that was too much for me. I left minutes later and that was that.
So as I skim past my Facebook Friends Suggestions, I see her name (we share mutual friends from our previous employer). Her profile pic shows her standing in front of the mirror with a big belly. About 8 months pregnant of a belly. I’m happy for her. I really, really am. But at the same time, as I make dinner for myself and daughter, unattached and single, I wonder what could of been?

I freaking dodged the bullet on that one.

OkCupid

Where are the standard souls?
Today marks my one month on OkCupid and I’m disappointed with it all.
Matches and matches of women traveling the world, finishing their Master’s, running enormous businesses or showing their world famous art in expensive galleries. They run marathons, hike across vast lands, speak several languages and hold expansive taste in food and wine. They teach students of all ages, hold several degrees and live healthy and responsibly.
Fuck me.
No wonder I’m not in a relationship with any of them.
I have my GED that I earned after a weekend of studying after finding out I was going to be a dad.
I’ve traveled to a few places but no where outside of a few states.
I speak English (of course) and Spanish. But not because I wanted to explore vast, tropical beaches and converse with the locals or teach small children the language of the free world. My parents spoke Spanish and if you wanted to speak to them, well you spoke Spanish.
I don’t run unless something is chasing me. And even then I weigh my options.
I am self employed but I’m not in it to make huge amounts of money because if that was the case I would be doing a better job of working it myself.
I do hike. I do love to get lost in open wilderness. But after a while I start checking my phone for Twitter updates and the fix gets the best of me.
I do cook and cook well. But my ingredients are usually what’s left untouched in the pantry.
I try to live healthy. Sometimes though, I lose the fight with the urge for a milkshakes. Ok that’s a lie. I throw the fight and let it win.
And living responsibly. Is anyone REALLY living responsibly? I drive a car that’s adding to my great, great grandchildrens eventual death. I use chemicals for work that are probably adding to my chances of getting some form of cancer. I have several electronics that were made in various parts of the world where what I make in an hour is what they make in a month. I eat meat. Do I even need to elaborate on that whole subject? I have clothing that’s probably been produced through child and slave labor.
I’m not the healthiest guy. I’m not the most funniest guy. I like to be lazy sometimes. I masturbate more than I think I should. I like porn (reason is due to previous sentence). I speak profanity when away from my kid. I get depressed, self loath, self hate and wallow in self pitty. I enjoy alcohol every now and then with a side of gluttony.
But I also try to be honest. I admit when I’m wrong. I work my ass off when I have to. I’m open to new ideas, experiences and people. I think I’m a pretty good guy. And I honestly believe I’m a good dad.
That’s me. I just want someone that’s open enough to admit they’re not AMAZING. Just be real. So what if your a lemon. Maybe I’m interested in lemonade?
Screw this online dating crap.
Maybe I’ll meet that special “someone” through the normal, boring means, like at a grocery store or gas station. Maybe I already have but I’m so freaking distracted by all of these glammed up profiles that I haven’t even noticed.
Maybe I should get away from the glowing screen and get outside.
Yeah, maybe.