Tag Archives: self worth

Nightmares.

It was 2 am and I awoke with an odd need.

It happens when I’m stressed. I awake with an odd craving. I’m not sleepwalking but it’s the closes thing to sleep walking I can imagine because I can fully sense what I’m doing. But I can’t stop myself from doing it.

Its night binging.

It used to be worse. I once ate an entire bag of Doritos all the way through while laying in bed. That last piece of chicken from dinner-it would be gone by morning. Remaining French fries from lunch-gone and newly heated up in the microwave. I’ve made entire sandwiches from scratch. Even heated up quesadillas. I’m not sleeping but yet I’m not awake.

On some occasion I can tell myself to choose a better option. I can tell myself to go for an apple or banana, even a glass of water. But most of the times it’s like I’m no longer at the controls. I’m just along for the ride. The next mornings I would lay in a pool of self-hatred, food crumbs and guilt. Amazing how we can totally demolish our own self-worth- worse than anyone else can.

So this time it was half a container of Pringles. It was so eerie- like I was watching a movie. Chip after chip after chip.

The mornings always suck.

Besides the guilt, you awake with a disgusting flavor in your mouth- in some cases it’s bad enough to make you gag.

So I start again. I forgive myself. I remind myself that I’m not weak. That I’m not hopeless. That mistakes are done daily and I’ll get pass it. And I try for another day.

Loving yourself sometimes can be the hardest thing to do when it should be the easiest.

Advertisements

Online Dating.

Nothing is more confusing,  more contradicting than the world of online dating.
   The premise sounds simple.
1. Shop through a selection of photos till you find someone that your attracted to.
2. Read their profile, learning more about them and your possible shared interest.
3. Make contact.

Simple in theory. But impossible in reality.
Reality.
1. People lie. 
The profile isn’t an extension of the person. It’s a constructed persona, excluded of traits and (what they may see) their bad habits. In other words they’ve produced a political ad for themselves. It’s sad because those bad habits are what makes the person unique. So already,  the lies have started.
2. Pictures lie too.
Taken years ago, with added instagram effects, the pictures show a flattering image. Not the reality of over make up, a mucsle chest that was five years before, or the wrinkles of a bad previous relationship. Those scars, bellies, lack of hair, new hair, all make the person who they are now.
Honesty, plain and simple, create the relationship.
Lies, plain and simple, no matter how you may try to change it, no matter the size, it’s still a lie.