It was 2 am and I awoke with an odd need.
It happens when I’m stressed. I awake with an odd craving. I’m not sleepwalking but it’s the closes thing to sleep walking I can imagine because I can fully sense what I’m doing. But I can’t stop myself from doing it.
Its night binging.
It used to be worse. I once ate an entire bag of Doritos all the way through while laying in bed. That last piece of chicken from dinner-it would be gone by morning. Remaining French fries from lunch-gone and newly heated up in the microwave. I’ve made entire sandwiches from scratch. Even heated up quesadillas. I’m not sleeping but yet I’m not awake.
On some occasion I can tell myself to choose a better option. I can tell myself to go for an apple or banana, even a glass of water. But most of the times it’s like I’m no longer at the controls. I’m just along for the ride. The next mornings I would lay in a pool of self-hatred, food crumbs and guilt. Amazing how we can totally demolish our own self-worth- worse than anyone else can.
So this time it was half a container of Pringles. It was so eerie- like I was watching a movie. Chip after chip after chip.
The mornings always suck.
Besides the guilt, you awake with a disgusting flavor in your mouth- in some cases it’s bad enough to make you gag.
So I start again. I forgive myself. I remind myself that I’m not weak. That I’m not hopeless. That mistakes are done daily and I’ll get pass it. And I try for another day.
Loving yourself sometimes can be the hardest thing to do when it should be the easiest.