Tag Archives: dating

Holiday Madness.

It’s December 11 and I’m dreading the thought of New Years Eve.

What is it about the holidays that makes a single person feel like unless your in a committed relationship, your not spending the holiday the way it was intended to be spent? I know the sickness is coming, as it does to all single people during the holidays.
The Holiday Madness.
Thoughts of going solo to family or friends functions. Doing all your shopping alone as everyone one else has a copilot. Buying yourself a gift, so you have something to unwrap on Xmas morning. These can all be triggers for the madness. But honestly, anything can bring it. Last year, my episode was started after watching Christmas Vacation. Damn you Beverly D’Angelo, so damn hot.
It’s enough to cause us all to go a little mental, to over eat just a bit, to drink a little extra.
But be careful of the warning signs. Some don’t realize The Madness has gripped them. Realizing after they’ve reached the 2nd level.

The first level is the Desperate stage.

Being a little extra flirty with single friends. Dropping hints about wanting to be fixed up. Logging on to all the dating apps and loading extra cleavage shots or bare, muscle flexing, pics.
I’m not obsessing over tinder yet, I expect I will be soon though.

Then we have the 2nd stage called the Assuming stage.

It’s when you assume that any interaction-with available friends, strangers, that they have some hidden meaning. That a simple hello means,  “I’m interested in starting something serious with you”. While in this stage, friends and family will warn you of the oncoming mistakes. But being in this stage means you’ve lost your ability to see reality. Your subcoming to the Madness.
I’ve been victim to this stage many times. One year, I thought my friends mom was totally hitting on me, even though she was in her late sixties and married.

The worst is the 3rd. It’s the one we all tend to later regret. It’s the Ex-love stage.

The deeper you are in the Madness, the more you convince yourself that your previous relationships weren’t so bad. You forget the reasons for the break up, lose memory of filed police reports. Only to remember everything after the holidays have passed. After the attempt, and in most cases successful, relationships have restarted.
This is disaster waiting to happen.
Every day I get closer to calling an ex, checking they’re Facebook page, reading old text messages.This is the stage I fear the most.

Be brave people. Luckily, the Holiday Madness season is halfway over. Staring back in early November, it will fizzle out by January 2nd.
However late in the season it may be, there’s still plenty of time for the sickness to infect you. Avoid crowds,  stay home. Be strong.

What if my dating profile was honest?

We all know that dating site profiles are not 100% honest. There’s some honesty there, but there’s also what the person posting likes to think of as “adding mystery”. Let’s face it, dating sites are all just glorified used car lots. And we’re the used cars (I’ll be honest, I embellished about my old Ford Explorer). But it’s common practice right? But what if my used car Ad was totally honest? I’m referring to my dating site Ad, not an actual car Ad. I’m not currently selling my car.

Chicano looking for a Chicana.

(Actually, I don’t really care if your Chicana, Asian, Afro-American, Native American or some unknown Swedish/German/Japanese hybrid. I’m lonely and I accept interest from all races.)

    
About     Non-Smoker with A “Few Extra Pounds” body type (I can barely run a mile, let alone inhale cigarette smoke. And a “few extra pounds” was maybe 5 years ago. At this point I would add a good 5% more to that concept)
City      ### New Mexico
Details    40 year old Male, 5′ 7″ (170cm)   
Ethnicity     Other Ethnicity, Capricorn  (I’m not Hispanic or Latino. Those are words created by the mass media to describe the Chicano movement I’m a proud Chicano. But because of this sites restrictions I’ll be listed as ‘OTHER’. So now women will just assume I’m a Jewish guy from the mid-east. ) 
Intent     Not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment. (I am actually seeking a relationship, but because of fear of coming across as desperate, I’ll hide my true intentions and play it cool. Just imagine me standing against the wall at the club. I’m cool on the outside but oh so lonely within.)    
Education     Some college      (I completed one term of community college. Then I proceeded to foolishly spend my student loan money on worthless items. Like buying my then girlfriend a $400 iPod. Great investment there guy.)
Personality     Free Thinker   (What was I suppose to pick? I’m not a freaking hippy, nor am I a gamer, politician or communist coffee drinker. I’m just me. A middle age guy that prefers to watch Star Wars movies (the original 3 of course) and eat unhealthy meals.) 
Profession     Self Employed  (I started my own business because I couldn’t conform my prior employers to adapt to my relaxed work ethic and sporadic attendance habits.)
I am seeking a :  Woman (And with every day that passes, this detail becomes hazier and hazier.)
For  :   Dating (Or random bouts of uncommitted sex, ego boosting, mothering, justifying my current place in life, etc…)
Do drink? : Yes (Rarely can I afford it.)
Hair color : Gray (After a point, hair coloring becomes too expensive.)
Eye color? : Brown (Sexy brown wasn’t a choice.)
Do you do drugs? : NO (Why? Are you offering?)
Do you have children? : Yes (You will meet them only when it becomes necessary for you to spend the night.)
 Do you want children? : NO (I can barely afford my own kid, why would I want more?)
 Marital Status? : Divorced (I’m used but broken in.)
 Longest relationship? : 6 years (But while in it, it seemed endless.)
 How ambitious are you? : Very (I need a job. I need a job. I need a job.)
 Pets? : Dog ( He is the only one that doesn’t judge my gluttony.)
Second language? : Spanish (Mostly picked up from watching American Me and Blood in, Blood Out.)
About me :
 
I’m a laid back guy that’s looking for a partner in crime. Must have a sense of humor, able to take a joke and enjoy intelligent conversations.
I love hiking, reading and cuddling while watching great, stimulating cinema.
Lets chat and see where it takes us.
Hope to hear from you soon!
(I’m currently laid off from work and looking for a partner who can afford to buy me dinner and spot me gas every so often. My sense of humor is pretty crude and often consisting of fart jokes, playing harsh particle jokes and… Ok I lied. I hate intelligent conversations…
I usually walk everywhere since I don’t have insurance on my vehicle at the moment, I read a lot of Facebook post and I love porn.
I’m convinced that all phone conversations will eventually lead to phone sex.
Message me. I need a ride to the grocery store.)

DISCLAIMER NOTICE
This Dating Site is not responsible for contracted STD’s, disappointments, additional sadness (stemming from, harsh judgments, honesty or bluntness connected to your fake profile), job loss or overall embarrassment.
 Enjoy!

 

Dear Future Wife.

Dear future wife…

   I hope this message finds you well.
My reason for writing is simple. I lie. And in my self guilt of being a liar, I want to make sure we start our life together on a solid foundation. I know that may change after I give you this letter, sometime after our first 6 months together. But I want to assure you that the person you know is actually me. Just not the Whole me.
   Let’s be honest, who is really themselves? I mean, 100%, brutally open and honest, themselves? Especially after just starting to date someone new. So who you have been dating for the past months is me. I do love you, for  (insert  specific reason here) and I know you love me. You show me that (insert believed reason here) everyday. But now, at this point in our lives together, I owe you a full, honest disclosure of who I am.
   I just ask that you don’t lose sight of who I am.  I may have my flaws, but they don’t change how I feel for you (insert name here).
1. I like porn.
I imagine we’re living together. If not then a huge congratulations to you for pushing back. I usually let my passion make my decisions. And they’re not always well though out. However, in case we are, you must of suspected my passion.  Regardless, spending time together you must of suspected my attachment to my Internet capable devices. I’m not a pervert. I mostly do it for relaxation before bed. Or after I awake, during a shower, while getting dressed, midday, after work. The porn is merely a tool to release.
2. Alone time.
I enjoy my alone time. I may have lied to you and said I had to work all weekend. Maybe using a death of a distant family member and needing to go away? Maybe I said I had to help my brother move? The truth is that I stayed home. I didn’t shower, ate crap and smiled happily being able to do it. Please believe me it’s not you, it’s me. I need that alone time to veg out, sit on the couch for hours watching Netflix.
3. Commitment. The scary C-word.
I do love you  (name here). But the idea of being committed to one person, for the rest of my life, scares me. That doesn’t mean I’m not sincere about being devoted to you. If I’m  presenting this letter to you soberly, then thats my honesty shining through that I want to make this work. Whatever the future brings.
4. I’m moody.
With lack of sleeps comes my bitchyness. Sorry in advance for being a baby about stuff. If I’m running on little sleep, just let me be. Once I catch up on my sleep I’ll be ok. But be aware that I may do this to myself from time to time, watching entire Portlandia seasons in a single night.
5. My work ethic is still in development.
I realized I hated my last job early on after starting there. And 2 months later I quit. I didn’t have another  job lined up. I just quit. Before you stop reading the rest of this letter in disgust, let me explain. I work well under pressure. That’s how I started my own business. By forcing myself into a corner and making something happen. But in reality, it doesn’t always happen. This type of reasoning has also damaged me severely. It’s taken 40 years for me to realize it’s ok to invest in tomorrow, instead of splurging today.

I think I’ve given you a surprise my love.  Again, I just wanted to honest with you.  Please don’t leave me.

Sincerely yours
Izzy.

An engineer’s love story. (Part 1 or 2)

He noticed her the first moment he saw her.

 She wore her long hair up in a messy bun that he seemed to adore.

She liked to use honey in her coffee, he realized one day when he had walked in after she used the container in the break room. She probably didn’t know that it used to belong to an ex researcher who was no longer with the company. That bottle of honey had been there for more than a few months.

   So the next day he passed by the grocery store and purchased 5 brand new bottles. Leaving a fresh one opened and ready for her with a note stating, “Enjoy”. He would do things like this. All silent and hidden but all for her.

   She saw him come in to the break room and suddenly she felt her face grow red.

“Was it his honey bottle? Gosh, I hope not” she thought to herself as he rushed out.

The next day when she walked into the break room she saw the honey with the note and smiled widely for the rest of the day. Her coffee and tea tasted extra sweet that day.

He wanted to ask her out for the evening but couldn’t figure out how. He would daydream, fantasizing about how they would go out together, have an amazing time and kiss passionately at the end of the evening. But soon after being lost in the daydream he would snap out of it, remembering that his history with women hasn’t been very successful.

His hopes were pretty thin. But that didn’t stop him from enjoying the dream while it lasted. 

She waited in the break room for him. Just a few extra minutes longer than it would normally take to make her coffee or tea. Long enough for her anxiety to grow and make her feel odd for standing there for no real reason. She would make multiple cups of tea throughout the day, way more than she would normally drink, just to have an excuse to be in the break room a little longer. She never urinated so much before in her life. 

The day was February, 12th and he knew his perfect opportunity was dwindling. He had spent over two weeks dreaming up the perfect evening but he failed to complete the important task of inviting her on to the date. 

“What if she already has plans? Of course she does. She’s perfect!” he would think to himself.

But he knew that if he didn’t at least ask that he would hate himself for the rest of his professional life. 

So on his morning commute, he pepped himself up for the task.

He would ask her out for a Valentine’s Day dinner. 

His heart raced when he found the note attached to his computer monitor.

“Please see person in cubicle 23-A. She is reviewing the specs regarding “Station 25-ERA” and needs to confirm the total of technician to complete the process.”

 

“Your supervisor.”

 

It was sheer poetry.

“That was her station! That was her cubicle!! I have a reason to speak to her now!” he thought with a wide grin.

“OH MY GOD. I NOW HAVE TO SPEAK TO HER”

The pit of his stomach dropped two feet. He felt nauseous.

Sex and Dinner.

A few years ago I was entangled with a young lady. We both worked at the same place and after a week of flirting, she was at my house for dinner. We didn’t even wait till after dinner. The sex was wonderful. For the 5 hours afterwards we kissed, had sex, cuddles, ate and had sex again. The good bye took an hour of kissing in the front of my house. It was a good first date.
A few days passed and she called me while I was home. I have a daughter but she was with her mom at the time.
“Can I come over?”
“Of course”, I answered happily.
Afternoon sex is wonderful. Hurriedly I went through the living room, hallway and bedroom, cleaning, clearing and sorting anything that would kill the mood.
When she pulled up I was surprised to see that it was her and her 5 year old daughter.
Crap.
I wasn’t ready to meet her kid yet.

When your a single parent, dating can be dangerous. For the first year that I was a new single dad, I didn’t even date, have sex or even talk to women. I was so afraid to emotionally scar my kid with different people and faces. I mean, when you break up with someone and there’s kids involved, you break up with the kids too. So dating had become something I threaded on softly.

Rule 1. Never meet my kid within the first 10 dates. And that depends on allot of factors.
Rule 2. I don’t want to meet your kid any time before you meet mine.

I know for some people it does work and they feel differently about this and that’s great for them. For me, sorry, tooo soon.
I need to feel comfortable with you before I even imagine you meeting my daughter. And I don’t mean physically. Desire, lust, whatever you want to call it, it’s a feeling that’s different than being emotionally comfortable with someone. Feeling an attraction is enough for me to allow myself to get close with someone, to feel intimacy. But the other? Hell, I have friends that have never met my daughter all because I’m not ready for them to become that close.

So back to the scene;
She walked up my driveway with this little girl clinging on to her thigh.
Suddenly I felt all that last minute cleaning was a huge waste of time.
She was a good kid. But I however felt a little freaked out.
The following night she invited me over to her house. I had opened up to her about feeling a little nervous about meeting her daughter so soon. She said she could tell I wasn’t too comfortable. She said she was sorry for that and that and promised the next time it would be just us
I was excited again.
As I walked up towards her door I heard her daughter laughing out loud.
Fuck me, not again.
Her daughter’s dad flaked out on her so she had to stay home with mom for the weekend.
Well played sir. Cock blocking at its finest.
The night was odd and even more uncomfortable.
Here’s the next scene;
I was asked by the little girl if I could read her a story.
A stuttering, “sure” was my response.
So I sat on the bed next to her (her mom and her shared the bedroom).
Now, you may ask yourself,”why did you stay man?!”
Well simply because mom had given me hints through out the evening that I would still be rewarded for my patience and understanding.
“I can still do things to you on the couch. I’m very talented with my mouth.”
Need I say more?
“Ok”, I replied as I laid down next to her, getting ready to read A Cat in the Hat.
Half way through the first page mom decided to lay on top of me as I’m reading the book…. Yeah.
I was laying next to a little girl in a Disney nightgown, trying to read a children’s book, while starting to have an erection due to her mom laying on top of me, knowing damn well that mom could feel me throbbing. Do you see how this was all confusing?
I couldn’t take it. I mean, I’m a dog, as much as the next guy. But all that was too much for me. I left minutes later and that was that.
So as I skim past my Facebook Friends Suggestions, I see her name (we share mutual friends from our previous employer). Her profile pic shows her standing in front of the mirror with a big belly. About 8 months pregnant of a belly. I’m happy for her. I really, really am. But at the same time, as I make dinner for myself and daughter, unattached and single, I wonder what could of been?

I freaking dodged the bullet on that one.

OkCupid

Where are the standard souls?
Today marks my one month on OkCupid and I’m disappointed with it all.
Matches and matches of women traveling the world, finishing their Master’s, running enormous businesses or showing their world famous art in expensive galleries. They run marathons, hike across vast lands, speak several languages and hold expansive taste in food and wine. They teach students of all ages, hold several degrees and live healthy and responsibly.
Fuck me.
No wonder I’m not in a relationship with any of them.
I have my GED that I earned after a weekend of studying after finding out I was going to be a dad.
I’ve traveled to a few places but no where outside of a few states.
I speak English (of course) and Spanish. But not because I wanted to explore vast, tropical beaches and converse with the locals or teach small children the language of the free world. My parents spoke Spanish and if you wanted to speak to them, well you spoke Spanish.
I don’t run unless something is chasing me. And even then I weigh my options.
I am self employed but I’m not in it to make huge amounts of money because if that was the case I would be doing a better job of working it myself.
I do hike. I do love to get lost in open wilderness. But after a while I start checking my phone for Twitter updates and the fix gets the best of me.
I do cook and cook well. But my ingredients are usually what’s left untouched in the pantry.
I try to live healthy. Sometimes though, I lose the fight with the urge for a milkshakes. Ok that’s a lie. I throw the fight and let it win.
And living responsibly. Is anyone REALLY living responsibly? I drive a car that’s adding to my great, great grandchildrens eventual death. I use chemicals for work that are probably adding to my chances of getting some form of cancer. I have several electronics that were made in various parts of the world where what I make in an hour is what they make in a month. I eat meat. Do I even need to elaborate on that whole subject? I have clothing that’s probably been produced through child and slave labor.
I’m not the healthiest guy. I’m not the most funniest guy. I like to be lazy sometimes. I masturbate more than I think I should. I like porn (reason is due to previous sentence). I speak profanity when away from my kid. I get depressed, self loath, self hate and wallow in self pitty. I enjoy alcohol every now and then with a side of gluttony.
But I also try to be honest. I admit when I’m wrong. I work my ass off when I have to. I’m open to new ideas, experiences and people. I think I’m a pretty good guy. And I honestly believe I’m a good dad.
That’s me. I just want someone that’s open enough to admit they’re not AMAZING. Just be real. So what if your a lemon. Maybe I’m interested in lemonade?
Screw this online dating crap.
Maybe I’ll meet that special “someone” through the normal, boring means, like at a grocery store or gas station. Maybe I already have but I’m so freaking distracted by all of these glammed up profiles that I haven’t even noticed.
Maybe I should get away from the glowing screen and get outside.
Yeah, maybe.

Online Dating.

Nothing is more confusing,  more contradicting than the world of online dating.
   The premise sounds simple.
1. Shop through a selection of photos till you find someone that your attracted to.
2. Read their profile, learning more about them and your possible shared interest.
3. Make contact.

Simple in theory. But impossible in reality.
Reality.
1. People lie. 
The profile isn’t an extension of the person. It’s a constructed persona, excluded of traits and (what they may see) their bad habits. In other words they’ve produced a political ad for themselves. It’s sad because those bad habits are what makes the person unique. So already,  the lies have started.
2. Pictures lie too.
Taken years ago, with added instagram effects, the pictures show a flattering image. Not the reality of over make up, a mucsle chest that was five years before, or the wrinkles of a bad previous relationship. Those scars, bellies, lack of hair, new hair, all make the person who they are now.
Honesty, plain and simple, create the relationship.
Lies, plain and simple, no matter how you may try to change it, no matter the size, it’s still a lie.