Category Archives: daddytime

How the Grinch (consumerism) almost stole Xmas.

During the holidays, kids get spoiled, parents get drunk, relationships start, relationships end. Regardless your situation, parent or not a parent, the holiday season affects you in some way, shape or form. My point of view of course is as a parent. A dad of a 10 year old daughter. I totally get that my advice, rant, whatever is one sided. Its my view of my world. This is the scenery that I awake to every morning. Father, struggling new business owner with debt and other stresses. I try my hardest not to judge others. And that’s freaking hard sometimes. Jealousy and envy. those are hard feelings to ignore sometimes.

This is the first Christmas that I don’t have a tree up for the holiday. I know, its still early so something might change. But money wise, its been a tough past 2 months. Its all for a reason, I get that. But when I see my ex and her husband going out, spending on the kids. When I’m embarrassed to see my nephew’s or niece because I’ve come up short for their holiday gifts. When I can’t even plan a trip home since I cant afford the gas money. Its hard to keep a jolly view of yourself or the holiday. I mean lets face it. The holiday season is all about those ads. The specials going on everywhere. Its near impossible to avoid the constant reminders. So should I be upset, jealous or envious that they can afford it but I cant?

No.

Even thought its been a hard few months (and I totally get that I brought this on myself). I made the decision to avoid a low end position for what I really wanted. I get that, I accept that. I’m not mad at anyone, especially myself.

Everyday we make decisions that affect a time in the future. That maybe a few moment’s, to a few days, years, lifetimes away. I may complain to my brother that I cant afford a Xmas tree. I may vent to my friend Jeff about my inability to walk in to a store without feeling guilt. But this isn’t the reason for this time of year. And I’m not referring to the religious side of the season. I mean the goodness and warmness that this time of year brings. The real holiday season. Not the ads. Not the specials. Not the enormous expense of living the holiday that society now seems to lead by example. Its about making cheap sugar cookies with my daughter. Its about walking out and enjoying a snow covered morning. Its about feeling the genuine warmth from others feeling the wonderful spirit of giving.

Its about love. Plain and simple. Its about feeling the love that we all feel grow and grow during this holiday season.

So I’ll count my blessings and count my pennies.

I have family that I may not be next to thinking of me this holiday season. I have friends that mean it when they wish me a prosperous new year.

And best of all. I have a 10 year daughter that wants nothing more than to be with her family this holiday (that last line made me tear up).

Life’s good this season.

Even when your without the low interest credit card.

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Redo.

I’ve often written about being a father and the great joy that it’s brought me. Well that’s not what this post is about. Well, not really.

My daughter is 10.

She’s a young striving, wanting independence, able to take care of herself (as she sees it) tween. And I’m freaking out.

Two months ago there was a real connection between us.

Remarks like,” I love you daddy” would be yelled to me from across the room. No reason, tight hugs would be given throughout the hour. She was my baby girl and I felt her love. Then it all changed.

I understand that she’s growing up. Hormones are flying everywhere inside of her and she’s trying to keep up with everything going on in her regular life along with her changing body. I’m not sure if that’s the reason for the change but I have my suspicions.

Her mom and I have had the talk about her becoming a young woman. I’m prepared at my house as she is at hers. We’re both stocked and ready for the day. I get that. I guess what really got to me was the sudden change in my daughters personality.

She used to spend 3-4 nights at my place every week. Now, maybe once to twice a month. Yes, it was that drastic and honestly I was not prepared. Also, her relationship with her mother has really grown stronger. Which I’m very happy with. They always held a strong bond but it appears in the last few months it’s grown very much stronger. She’s more affectionate with her and isn’t afraid to show it. But with me, I’ve become the opposite.

No more random, “I love you daddy” or affectionate hugs. No more running up in excitement after not seeing me for a day. No more “little girl loves her daddy” moments. And honestly, I was kind of heartbroken.

It’s normal.

As a dad I believe I’m programmed to fix things. It’s how I’ve always addressed situations. And to most of my past relationships, the main reason why I’m currently single. I get that. But with my daughter and our current relationship, there’s nothing I can fix. I have to stand back and allow her to grow.

It’s hard because I want to help.

I want to be involved. And why shouldn’t I feel like that when only months ago I was involved in everything that was occurring with her. But the difference between then and now is that she doesn’t want me involved. She wants to make decisions about herself and her time. That’s fine, I can step back and give her space. But it still hurts regardless the reason.

I miss my little, sometime emotional, sometime needy, little girl.

But that’s what we parents do right? We grow with our kids- even when it hurts to be on the sidelines.

I know she loves me even though she may not show it the way she used to. I don’t question her love for me. I guess I just wasn’t ready for her to start growing up. Who knew that all those times when I would playfully yell, “stop turning into a young lady!” I was actually really wanting her to stop turning into an independent young woman.

The things parents do for their kids.

About a month ago I decided to upgrade to a new laptop. I passed on my old one to my 9year old daughter. She use its to watch Minecraft videos on YouTube and watch Netflix. It wasn’t anything special.  A 2 year old $250 laptop from Wal-Mart so it was coming to the end of its capabilities.

And what I purchased was a HP x360 TouchSmart (insert angels singing here) beatsaudio, wonderful, amazing laptop.

After looking around for a few days this was the one I fell for, and I fell hard. It switched to a huge tablet but with full computer capabilities, had all these new tabs that did stuff. And it was touch screen! I could swipe, zoom or X out of anything! It was perfect and new and so freaking cool. I was in bliss.

But after a few days I started to rethink my purchase. Did I really need so much? It was really cool but did I need all the bells and whistles (and this thing certainly has a lot of that)? I was ok with my previous $250 laptop for what I needed to do. I was satisfied. But after getting a new my job I decided to splurge. Now I think I went over board.

December is a hard time for everyone. Gifts plus road trips or traveling and on top of that your usual stack of bills.

So today I’m taking the pretty new sport- laptop back to Best Buy and doing something better with the money.  I think its time my daughter experiences Disneyland during the holiday season.

I may have to settle for a cheaper. non-touch screen- non-beatsaudio, non-changing into an awesome tablet, Wal-Mart laptop but in the end my daughter will come away with an awesome childhood memory of when dad took her to Disneyland during Xmas time. Maybe I can figure out a way to start making money with this writing thing and then I can justify a newer, fancier laptop? Hmmmmm.