Flashback.

Do you ever have those moments when you see someone you haven’t seen in ages,  and your right there,  back when your were totally in love with them,  as if time never passed.

My heart was beating so hard when I first met her, years ago

Took me a week to build up the courage to ask her out to lunch. And every time there after, I fell hard for her and her daughter.

I almost moved out of state for her. I would of followed her across the globe. But, it was never meant to be.

Took me years to realize why I never followed through, why I didn’t chase her.  It’s simple really.

She never asked me too.

If she would of said, “come with me”, I would of.  In a heart beat.  But she never did.

I always made the effort,  I always made the journeys.

I know she cared for me.  But maybe she didn’t know how to show me how much she cared?

Maybe.

So fast forward 4 years.

I was thinking of her today so I typed in her name to Instagram. So many pictures of her that I’ve never seen! My hearts racing!

Studying her facial features, trying to see if she’s happy.

Why didn’t I follow her when she moved out of state?

Because she never asked me too. So simple

But realizing the reason for my decision doesn’t soften the pain I feel whenever see her.

For what could have been.

Damn, I miss her laugh.

Dear Future Wife.

Dear future wife…

   I hope this message finds you well.
My reason for writing is simple. I lie. And in my self guilt of being a liar, I want to make sure we start our life together on a solid foundation. I know that may change after I give you this letter, sometime after our first 6 months together. But I want to assure you that the person you know is actually me. Just not the Whole me.
   Let’s be honest, who is really themselves? I mean, 100%, brutally open and honest, themselves? Especially after just starting to date someone new. So who you have been dating for the past months is me. I do love you, for  (insert  specific reason here) and I know you love me. You show me that (insert believed reason here) everyday. But now, at this point in our lives together, I owe you a full, honest disclosure of who I am.
   I just ask that you don’t lose sight of who I am.  I may have my flaws, but they don’t change how I feel for you (insert name here).
1. I like porn.
I imagine we’re living together. If not then a huge congratulations to you for pushing back. I usually let my passion make my decisions. And they’re not always well though out. However, in case we are, you must of suspected my passion.  Regardless, spending time together you must of suspected my attachment to my Internet capable devices. I’m not a pervert. I mostly do it for relaxation before bed. Or after I awake, during a shower, while getting dressed, midday, after work. The porn is merely a tool to release.
2. Alone time.
I enjoy my alone time. I may have lied to you and said I had to work all weekend. Maybe using a death of a distant family member and needing to go away? Maybe I said I had to help my brother move? The truth is that I stayed home. I didn’t shower, ate crap and smiled happily being able to do it. Please believe me it’s not you, it’s me. I need that alone time to veg out, sit on the couch for hours watching Netflix.
3. Commitment. The scary C-word.
I do love you  (name here). But the idea of being committed to one person, for the rest of my life, scares me. That doesn’t mean I’m not sincere about being devoted to you. If I’m  presenting this letter to you soberly, then thats my honesty shining through that I want to make this work. Whatever the future brings.
4. I’m moody.
With lack of sleeps comes my bitchyness. Sorry in advance for being a baby about stuff. If I’m running on little sleep, just let me be. Once I catch up on my sleep I’ll be ok. But be aware that I may do this to myself from time to time, watching entire Portlandia seasons in a single night.
5. My work ethic is still in development.
I realized I hated my last job early on after starting there. And 2 months later I quit. I didn’t have another  job lined up. I just quit. Before you stop reading the rest of this letter in disgust, let me explain. I work well under pressure. That’s how I started my own business. By forcing myself into a corner and making something happen. But in reality, it doesn’t always happen. This type of reasoning has also damaged me severely. It’s taken 40 years for me to realize it’s ok to invest in tomorrow, instead of splurging today.

I think I’ve given you a surprise my love.  Again, I just wanted to honest with you.  Please don’t leave me.

Sincerely yours
Izzy.

All about the little things.

A few months ago I was in the mindset to move out of state.

For the first time in my daughter’s life. I felt comfortable with the idea of living away from her. Now, I know that sounds bad but let me explain. If you’ve read my previous post you know that I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share custody but neither of us really demand time with our daughter since we’re so interactive with each other. In other words, we don’t obey a schedule since were in such good terms with each other’s household.

So every year my daughter and I take a few trips out to visit the family in Nevada (usually once in late fall and then again in early spring).

And every drive back I ask myself the same question.

“Would she be ok if I moved out of state?”

And every year I come to the same conclusion. “No. She needs me.”

But this time it was different.

Maybe it’s her age, coming into preteen. Maybe the realization that my father is getting older. Maybe the guilt of missing my brothers and lil sis growing up into amazing adults.

So I spoke to my daughter about it.

About the possibility of moving in with my folks for a bit and living away from her. I was surprised by her much laid back reaction. She seemed genuinely excited about the possibility of living out in Vegas for a part of every year.

I spoke to my folks, spoke to my ex and to my friends back in New Mexico. Everyone seemed very supportive and excited for my new possibilities.

I had a place to stay, a possible internship with the city all lined. And the option of moving back if it didn’t work. It was hard going to work every day knowing that in a few short weeks I might be moving out of state.

Then the day came when the internship I was hoping for called with the news that I had the position if I wanted it.

It was happening.

A guaranteed paying position with the city once it came open. And as the woman went into details about my schedule and responsibility, I trailed off. It was my daughter’s karate practice that night. I would be missing it after I moved.

And everything changed right at that moment.

My excitement for the new possibilities suddenly vanished. I couldn’t do it. There was no way I would be able to move away from my daughter. No matter the amount of time or possible amount of money.

I declined the position and explain my realization. She understood and wished me luck. But I knew I didn’t need it because what I had wasn’t luck, it was a blessing. I was truly blessed to be in the position I was in.

Fast forward a few months.

My daughter called me from the schools nurse’s office today. It was picture day and she needed a change of clothes after having an accident. As I walked up to the school office, she met me at the door, awaiting the clothes, thanking me repeatedly, hugging me tightly.

No regret about my decision. I can wait till she’s 18. By then she’ll hopefully be deciding about school, maybe out of state? Maybe the armed forces?

Then I’ll ponder about possibly moving away.

Till then I’ll be readily available for whatever she may need, only a few miles away, at all times.

M. Night Shyamalan scared me and I think I liked it?

I love the movies.

I love dramas, suspense, horror, gritty crime, whatever the genre, as long as it’s well written and original. And that’s been the problem for the past few years.

Originality has been something American Hollywood has been lacking for years now. Sure, we’ve had some amazing flicks, lots of reboots, rewrites and dead stories brought back to life. But let’s be honest, there’s been more originality on television than there has been in major movie releases.

But last night I had an experience and it left me hopeful that the creativity in Hollywood is alive and well.

The Visit is M. Night Shyamalan’s latest flick. At first I wasn’t too excited for the free preview tickets I had received.

I like his past work but some of it just wasn’t for me. So when I saw the trailer for his latest flick, I was somewhat interested.

A reality base horror flick where the cameramen are kids visiting their grandparents. OK, that new I guess.

We arrive to the theater an hour before it starts and there’s already 40 people in line. There’s a cool vibe about the flick. People talking and whispering about what they expect.

Once inside, the theatre grew packed. I tend to hate going to premieres because there’s always someone there with a crying baby, cellphone light shining at the most annoying time. I rather go after the premiere, in the middle of the week when it’s half full and half price.

Here I was, in a filled theater, baby crying in the background and seriously hoping that was to be the worst part of the evening. I mean, it was a free movie so who was I to complain right?

Hell, if I knew then what I was about to experience, I would of gladly paid double the normal ticket price.

By far one of the best, most original movies I’ve seen in years.

Having the experience of hearing everyone jump, scream and clap was awesome. We were all there on the farm. We were all there running for our lives. We were all there breathing a sigh of relief.

I’m not going to go into any details about the story (sorry, no spoilers here), but I highly recommend this film to all who are searching for originality and real suspense.

It assured me that that old school, movie making magic is still out there. Where we can be frightened to the point of shrieking and not need expensive CGI or crazy special effects for it to happen.

It’s basic and raw and emotional.

The monsters are real and that makes the fear even more terrifying.

At the end of the flick I walked up to my car and for the first time since I was a teenager, I actually checked the back seat. Thank you for that Mr. Shyamalan. Thank you for scaring the hell out of me for 90 minutes and leaving freaked out afterwards.

Damn I love the movies.