An arm and a leg.

For no reason- suddenly felt like doing some short stories….

He had been in love with her since the 1st grade.

Now they were both attending high school and he still was crazy about her. She didn’t have an easy life. But she always smiled and he loved that about her.

She worked as a cashier at the local grocery store. And every day after school he would go buy a can of soda just so he could say hi. She must have known he was in love with her. The way she smiled when he walked in through the sliding doors always made him blush.

Sometimes he would wait around the front of the store just so he could walk her home from a distant and unknown to her.

Going along the train tracks, he would try to convince himself to go up to her and talk to her. One day he hoped.

On this particular evening after a long shift, she walked home along the train tracks. Not paying attention her foot became caught on something. A clothes hanger had become entangled with the tracks and now was wrapped around her shoe. As she tried to become free, pulling her foot away, it became tighter, wrapping around her ankle.

The 7:05 Westbound was blowing its whistle, coming around the bend. It wouldn’t have enough time to stop after seeing her.

Her nervousness grew to fear. Then to a panic. She froze seeing the train coming around the corner.

All at once she felt two hands pulling her away and pushing her off the tracks. The wire cut into her ankle and the pain brought her back to reality. She laid there, feet away from the stopped train, gasping to gain her breath. She tried to understand what had just happened.

He was able to go home after 4 months and today was the day. He was so happy when she walked in to his room, holding a bouquet of flowers, offering to help him gather his things. He had several months of therapy ahead of him, but he didn’t care. He had her next to him and he would do it all again. Even if it did cost him an arm and a leg.

Nightmares.

It was 2 am and I awoke with an odd need.

It happens when I’m stressed. I awake with an odd craving. I’m not sleepwalking but it’s the closes thing to sleep walking I can imagine because I can fully sense what I’m doing. But I can’t stop myself from doing it.

Its night binging.

It used to be worse. I once ate an entire bag of Doritos all the way through while laying in bed. That last piece of chicken from dinner-it would be gone by morning. Remaining French fries from lunch-gone and newly heated up in the microwave. I’ve made entire sandwiches from scratch. Even heated up quesadillas. I’m not sleeping but yet I’m not awake.

On some occasion I can tell myself to choose a better option. I can tell myself to go for an apple or banana, even a glass of water. But most of the times it’s like I’m no longer at the controls. I’m just along for the ride. The next mornings I would lay in a pool of self-hatred, food crumbs and guilt. Amazing how we can totally demolish our own self-worth- worse than anyone else can.

So this time it was half a container of Pringles. It was so eerie- like I was watching a movie. Chip after chip after chip.

The mornings always suck.

Besides the guilt, you awake with a disgusting flavor in your mouth- in some cases it’s bad enough to make you gag.

So I start again. I forgive myself. I remind myself that I’m not weak. That I’m not hopeless. That mistakes are done daily and I’ll get pass it. And I try for another day.

Loving yourself sometimes can be the hardest thing to do when it should be the easiest.