I was born in the Los Angeles, Chicano “macho” mentality during the 80’s and 90’s. I loved the experience and often find myself missing my first home.
As a young raver (party goer) in the early 90’s I met many gay and lesbians fellow ravers. We were all about Love, Dance and just enjoying the overall EXPERIENCE. It didn’t matter if you were gay at the club and straight at school. It didn’t matter if the parties were the only place you could be you. No questions were asked. No personal story needed. We were all accepted, well at least in my experiences.
I had a few friends who were openly gay but only one who was openly bisexual. Eric seemed so confident and honest with how he was and felt. I loved that about him. I followed him where ever and openly said it. I thought for the first and only time in my life, “Maybe I was gay?” Of course it only turned out to be a crush on his persona that he gave off. Turns out he wasn’t very honest with anyone especially himself.
But the thought of having an open love for either sex seemed so alien and interesting to me. I often wondered as a kid if I was like that, openly interested in both. I never felt full on emotions towards another man but every now and then I would find myself feeling a crush towards another guy friend. Little crushes towards their personality or way of being. Also towards personality or singers. Something about them that so interested me.
Morrissey was another one of those crushes. He seemed so odd and genuine. He was himself and I so loved that. I wanted that in my teenage years. I wanted to be figured out and open. I wanted to be honest and loud. I was the complete opposite of that. I never spoke about any of these feeling because I would have been considered something I didn’t want to be.
The word I’m about to use may be offensive to some. So please be warned.
(Possible trigger word)
Faggot was a common word back in child hood.
It meant sissy, gay, homo- whatever term you want to pick. But it also meant to be lame, stupid or dumb. So our vocabulary had that impression of the word being negative and something not right. This type of thinking would affect me for years to come.
As I grew up in to an adult and then moving away from California all together, I realized that I carried with me a bit of prejudice that was instilled in me as a kid from either my father, family or just my overall upbringing.
So as a soon to be 40 year old I’ve come to an open understanding of what those hurtful words can mean. So as I sit hear listening to alt.latino and their Happy Cinco De Morrissey podcats, I’m suddenly taken back to those teenage years when everything seemed innocent. Where listening to Morrissey didn’t mean anything other than you’re a fan but talking about the feeling his music made me feel meant something was wrong with me. I hope my daughter never has to feel that way about herself. I hope no one else ever has to feel that way about themselves. Amazing how one podcast can flood you with flashback of emotions and old mentalities.