Sometimes I hate being a parent.
I love my daughter, let me say that clearly. But sometimes the responsibilities that we carry hurts. It stops us in the middle of a walk and makes us realize that our kids, even though we love them, can easily hurt us so deep that we want nothing but to run away. My baby girl is 9 years old and shes always held that power. I never questioned if that was smart because its my daughter. My love is UN-phased because she would always be my love, dedication and passion.
But just recently she hurt me so deep that it left me slightly crippled for a moment or two.
I’m not going to go into details since shes only 9 and who she is now isn’t the same person shes going to be in a few months. Change is growth. I totally accept that. But fuck it hurt.
Do all parents go through this?
Guess we all carry that burden or possible hurt as parents. Disappointments, regret or just plain anger. No kid grows up without some bitterness towards their parent. Even the most loving adult has some pent up issue towards mom or dad. So its normal for a parent to feel that towards their kid I’m sure. Just because we feel it doesn’t mean we love any less.
I remember being a kid and my mom asking me a question about why I loved her. I remarked back in true “Israel smart ass” fashion. She cried so bad that she had to walk away from me. I never saw my mom walk away from me like that. I don’t remember being hit by my dad but I’m sure I was for saying something so harshly to her, I apologized. It wasn’t a true apology because I really didn’t understand the reason I was apologizing. I thought I had said an unfunny joke. Some time later I laid in bed and awoke thirsty. I asked my mom for a glass of water and she walked in, half asleep holding a glass. Then it hit me. I was wrong and why.
I couldn’t describe why I was crying to her, I just sobbed as she held me. She thought it was from a bad dream. But no. It was the realization that I had hurt the person who was my world. That guilt was so heavy that I carry it still to this day. Even more so after losing my mom 10 years after that night.
So I know I love my daughter. I know she’s going to mess up. She’s going to do things, say things, act in a way that might not be what I want for her. But I will always love her. Even when she’s driving me bat-shit crazy.